My mind, my inner voice, is like a sponge. It begins to talk, you see, exactly how whatever it has been absorbing talks. For instance, if I’ve been reading Jane Austen my mind ponders breakfast like so “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a piece of toast in possession of peanut butter, must be in want of some jam.” I start declaring how ardently I admire this or that for it is exceedingly handsome, and no it shall not do, for work is simply tiresome and should rather be left for the maid to do. In this frame of mind, I make simply unbearable company. Usually I waffle and write in long, linking sentences. Just recently I read ‘The curious incidence of a dog in the night time’ in which the narrator and protagonist is autistic and writes in short definite sentences, I began to speak and write like that too. “I am nervous. This is a bad idea.” If I read in German I start asking for Wasser when I want water, say Danke Schoen and exclaim Echt? and otherwise process my thoughts in stunted German.
This absorption technique gets awkward when I get an Irish or Scottish customer and they say “How much is dat?” and I say “Dats 24 dollars.”
Oops.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
On the itinerary for today
The Library is a splendid destination for those of plentiful time and negligible money. It’s an excuse to leave the house and seek out the society of books, in a very public display of intention and affection, which will not cost you the solar system and it’s many moons.
Twas in the library late yesterday as I browsed the shelves for a read not entirely Literary, in that virtually unreadable Virginia Woolfe-Kafka-Joyce sense, but one that’s blurb didn’t begin “Mary Little thought she knew what love and life was about until she met Ryan, her husbands estranged brother....” Oh! The Espionage! I sought something funny, but not pitifully lame, something to delight in that would not suck the will to live from my wavering eyes... In short – I went in search of a good book.
It was in this quest that I noticed that some books on the alphabetised shelves were ‘Fiction’ or ‘Romance’ while others were ‘Literary Fiction’. This term I had heard before, but I got to wondering, what on earth does it mean anyway? Are those books better, or just more nose-to-sky intellectual? For it seems we attach that term to the hefty, critically-acclaimed, multi-award winning books that make the majority of us go....
What?!
They are the kind of books that you might conceivably purchase to line a shelf in your house labelled “Oh yes, I’ve read that.” They are the name-droppers, the no-idea-what-it-was-about-but-ha!-I-read-it type of books.
A confession: I own many of these. I have read most of these. I usually don’t understand why they have been adored for generations.
Why do I read them? Because they are the books that are referenced by books that wish to be cool by association. They form the extensive body of those books referred to in sentences such as “This book is reminiscent of Henry David Thoreau’s timeless essay Walden...” I read them to broaden my mind. Usually, I get a headache. Literary fiction is all about the imagery, the intense layers of meaning, the unforgettable characters and usually, the fact that we have NO IDEA what the author was smoking at the time but, hey, it must have been good.
In the end the book I picked was labelled Literary Fiction. But what I’ve discovered is a gem of a book, a book that makes you go “Aww” and giggle, get teary and wonder how to go on when it’s over. And then, next time I need to sound like a wanker, “Oh, have you read this..?”
Twas in the library late yesterday as I browsed the shelves for a read not entirely Literary, in that virtually unreadable Virginia Woolfe-Kafka-Joyce sense, but one that’s blurb didn’t begin “Mary Little thought she knew what love and life was about until she met Ryan, her husbands estranged brother....” Oh! The Espionage! I sought something funny, but not pitifully lame, something to delight in that would not suck the will to live from my wavering eyes... In short – I went in search of a good book.
It was in this quest that I noticed that some books on the alphabetised shelves were ‘Fiction’ or ‘Romance’ while others were ‘Literary Fiction’. This term I had heard before, but I got to wondering, what on earth does it mean anyway? Are those books better, or just more nose-to-sky intellectual? For it seems we attach that term to the hefty, critically-acclaimed, multi-award winning books that make the majority of us go....
What?!
They are the kind of books that you might conceivably purchase to line a shelf in your house labelled “Oh yes, I’ve read that.” They are the name-droppers, the no-idea-what-it-was-about-but-ha!-I-read-it type of books.
A confession: I own many of these. I have read most of these. I usually don’t understand why they have been adored for generations.
Why do I read them? Because they are the books that are referenced by books that wish to be cool by association. They form the extensive body of those books referred to in sentences such as “This book is reminiscent of Henry David Thoreau’s timeless essay Walden...” I read them to broaden my mind. Usually, I get a headache. Literary fiction is all about the imagery, the intense layers of meaning, the unforgettable characters and usually, the fact that we have NO IDEA what the author was smoking at the time but, hey, it must have been good.
In the end the book I picked was labelled Literary Fiction. But what I’ve discovered is a gem of a book, a book that makes you go “Aww” and giggle, get teary and wonder how to go on when it’s over. And then, next time I need to sound like a wanker, “Oh, have you read this..?”
On Adulthood and other Disasters
I am so damn sick of being an adult. Here are 4 examples why I currently find being an adult a very unsatisfactory situation.
Example 1:
Bills, bills, bills. You pay one and another jumps up and hits you on the back of the head. How friggin injust.
Example 2:
Interviews. In fact the whole damn employment process. Construct a CV from the bits and pieces of your life. Deploy a winning argument to prove you have skills, disguise it in an attention grabbing but not overly self-absorbed cover letter.
Wait.
Receive a call. Go to an interview, dressed like someone with “Please hire me” tattooed across their forehead, nervous as hell you must then expound upon the aforementioned skills.
This is no time to change the subject.
‘Great, I’ll call you back tomorrow,’ says the Prospective Employer. Invariably, they don’t. Did they just forget? Were they never going to? How long do I wait before I fire bomb them?
Example 3:
Washing, sweeping, doing dishes, cleaning up after pets... you no longer have anyone to defer these jobs to. If you chuck a tantrum and absolutley REFUSE to do them, nobody will care. You'll just be the smelly person no one wants to visit.
Example 4:
In fact, when the going gets tough, you have no one to defer your life to at all. You’re in charge buddy, step up and make decisions.
Example 1:
Bills, bills, bills. You pay one and another jumps up and hits you on the back of the head. How friggin injust.
Example 2:
Interviews. In fact the whole damn employment process. Construct a CV from the bits and pieces of your life. Deploy a winning argument to prove you have skills, disguise it in an attention grabbing but not overly self-absorbed cover letter.
Wait.
Receive a call. Go to an interview, dressed like someone with “Please hire me” tattooed across their forehead, nervous as hell you must then expound upon the aforementioned skills.
This is no time to change the subject.
‘Great, I’ll call you back tomorrow,’ says the Prospective Employer. Invariably, they don’t. Did they just forget? Were they never going to? How long do I wait before I fire bomb them?
Example 3:
Washing, sweeping, doing dishes, cleaning up after pets... you no longer have anyone to defer these jobs to. If you chuck a tantrum and absolutley REFUSE to do them, nobody will care. You'll just be the smelly person no one wants to visit.
Example 4:
In fact, when the going gets tough, you have no one to defer your life to at all. You’re in charge buddy, step up and make decisions.
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