Im sorry what? I was going to say something but I’m not really sure what, because I know what I should say, but that conflicts with what I want to say, so I need to restructure this in my brain. I said I don’t like your shoes, that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. You asked me a question and I answered honestly like you wanted me to and this is what I get? Why won’t you speak to me? Tell me what’s on your mind. Communicate with me. I don’t know, I’m confused, I’d like to eat a rainbow. You aren’t communicating enough with me. What do you want me to say? I want you to communicate with me. I am communicating, I’m communicating that I don’t know what to say. Are you? I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall with you. Why won’t you open up, tell me everything. Ok. I think I love you. And I am in a relationship with someone else. What are you getting at? Ok I don’t like your shoes, I think you should change them; I don’t want to be seen in public with you. What kind of a statement is that? What is the point? There’s nothing in it. You’re lying. Overreacting. I’m surprised, I’m shocked, and this is exactly what I expected from you. Why won’t you just tell me what’s on your mind? If I had known, if you had told me, things would have been different. I couldn’t tell you, the words chained themselves to my tonsils. You should never be afraid to be honest. I love you. I can’t believe you said that, why would you say that?
***
I’m hardly the first to begrudge God for not sharing the ability to read minds with us lesser mortals, and generally I am more than happy that no-one can read my mind, but sometimes, like right this very second, I wish communicating with my fellow humans was not such a strenuous activity. I aspire to be the quiet type, but I’m not. I rattle on and on like a train rolling backwards down a hill but still I have the distinct feeling, I’m not really getting the point across. Sometimes that’s because I don’t know what I’m trying to say until I’ve said it. Sometimes its because the person stares at you, with the biggest open eyes and demands you communicate. Um.. next question? They rephrase, tell me how you feel about this? I ehrmm well I feel rather, particularly, lost for words.
What is it about communication that is so damn hard? In the past I have, rather foolishly, scoffed at people who do entire degrees on the act of communication, when they could, I don’t know... do entire degrees on history... but all of a sudden, I understand the intense conundrum of communication. There are the things you say. Then there’s what you mean. There’s what you want to say, then what you are expected to say, and what you are understood to have said. What isn’t said is often more important than what is. There is the question of whether what you say is actually true, the conflict between the conscious und sub-conscious self. Then there are the outright lies, which further befuck the entirely fucked attempt you are making at communication.
I mean what I say, and I generally say what I mean. But the problem is, when I don’t know what to say, or how to say it, or how to understand what is being said. The problem, and the solution, is communication. When it comes to navigating the waters of the emotions in the ship of communication, I fail, epically. I should just as well be deaf, blind and dumb and high on drugs.
Give me your hand and I’ll show you. Take my hand and show me. Don’t complicate this with attempting to communicate wordy nothings. Help me to see.
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