Groan.

I awake to the sinking feeling that I have died and gone to hell. The first coherent thought I have sails in on a sudden sea of self-hatred – Why, oh why did I drink so much. Drink till the world disappears in a whirlwind of smiles and terrible jerking dance moves, wake to a glaringly empty wallet and a white shirt oddly stained and reeking of the smoke and ashes of the nights debauchery. A concoction of blank spots and hazy memories move in bright and early with Mr Headache, who doesn’t even deserve the name headache. My Greymatter has been so thoroughly marinated in a liquid errenously labelled drinkable it doesn’t just ache it throbs. All my energies become hastily engaged in not giving in to the impulse to curl up in a ball and die. Any remaining energy is tied up in the back of my neck and the arch of my throat, weary from the hefty reverse flow of the nights deluge. Alcohol seems to drip from my skin, pouring from every single cell. It turns the mouth into a dry, desolate dust pan and leaves my liver quivering as they work overtime to expel the sludge. I stare morosely into the toilet bowl, utterly disturbed by the way its waters swish and swash, further reducing me to a sweaty mass incapacitated on the bathroom floor. I venture outdoors to that place not so fondly known as Work and I beg with the world, won’t someone please turn the lights down? Surely we don’t need all that radiant, retina burning light that surges and dances in my eyes so quick its nauseatingly painful. My body craves proper food, but everything I try to force down makes a speedy reappearance, as if my body is saying “Fuck off, we are too busy dealing with the trash you dumped here last night.” And a single thought plagues me – why, oh why did I drink so goddamn-much. Oh the reckless abandon that alcohol provides was fun, but as logic would have it the higher you soar, the further you fall – and my oh my doesn’t the break of a new day have a sickly scent to it.


I could sum it up in one word – Groan.

(Written from deep within the murky depths of one of the most spectacularly Epic hangovers in my short and unacclaimed drinking career in hope that I may one day learn from my mistakes.)