One last time

Once again, I have said too much. I have gone and on and on and spent hours scribbling on tiny lined sheets of paper and I have said too much. I have offered up my honesty in the place of my anger, my anger in the place of my hate and I have gone around and around in circles. I have moped my way through pen after pen, filled an entire notebook with words of weariness and all in all, I have gone on and on. I suppose the trick is to know when the last word has been said, because if you miss the tiny warning beep, you will never know that the moment has gone. You’ll carry on unaware that you are now digging up old wounds and turning the knife deeper and deeper. At this stage you become the arsehole, because you’re foaming words at the mouth and drowning happy people in your antipathy for life and your rage at the twists and turns of fate. I have been clouding the bare essentials with heavy black smoke and exasperating issues. Sometimes I surrender the blame, sometimes I have felt the full weight of it resting firmly on my own shoulders. I have been framed impossibly, unavoidably reincarnated as the bad guy. No matter what you do, no matter how you think you are unselfishly offering up your light to illuminate someone else’s life, in the end you become the taker. So it seems, I have whispered and yelled so long I have become the hopeless loser who needs to let go.

And then I tried to say nothing.


I struggled to maintain my dignity in silence. But the last word, the last word crept out from around a corner and dared me to speak its name. I gave in, I gave into that vice of repetition, I brought it all up again one last time. One last time from the top, the list of how you have offended me, how I have failed you and how I have been left for dead. The last word roared from the folds of a letter, another letter. More words, ink, paper wasted. Wasted. Because the last word is deceptive, like all the words that came before. It means everything and yet nothing and in the end, in the end can I really let it be the last?